44

Here goes my final semester. By this year's end, hopefully I'll walk away with a degree. Aral, jangan melintang. Aku kapak-kapak kau.

So, what's after this? Work probably. Yeah sure, it's hard to get a job with a degree this days but I don't see the use of another piece of paper if I can't do a good work. No, good is not good enough, great job. Paraphrasing Mr. Dylan, I don't just want something that people will admire and say it's good; I want something that'll look on par next to a Rembrandt, as natural as an Edgar Allen Poe's.

Steve Jobs didn't set out to sell computers. He wanted to make a dent in the universe.

Lately I haven't been feeling quite well with myself. Disgusted sometimes. I feel disappointed when I squinted my eyes onto yet another roll of film and saw the things I captured. I feel ashamed to put it up where people can see them only to have it pushed aside, ignored. I feel that this all is not good enough. Nothing is ever good enough.

As sentimental as it sounds, I often stay up at night thinking where did I go wrong. Why can't I create something good while there are millions around me that are doing it well. Sure everyone have their own reality, everyone have their own art but it sure is not fun to live in a mediocre reality and make mediocre art. Is there even such a thing as mediocre art?

I'm scared. I don't want to be just another guy stuck in a traffic jam on Tun Razak, going back home after doing mediocre things to sustain a mediocre life. Live a mediocre man, die a mediocre man.

For quite a few times I've been thinking of giving it all up. Stash it all away in a box under the bed and forget it ever happened. Start a new in something new only to burn out and fade away all the same.

I've been asking questions to people and never getting a good enough answer. Maybe the question is not good enough to begin with.

This is probably the line where you'll lose interest in my whining. This is the line where I'll stop writing.

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You’re currently reading “44,” an entry on pelangi hitam putih

Published:
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
by amerhadiazmi