Crash and Burn

My external hard disk crashed last week. Every single thing in that 500GB worth of spinning platters are scratched beyond recovery even after I sent it to a professional hard disk recovery center.

What do I have in there? 3 videos I'm working on, a few others done, kept there in an archive. A week worth of music which I thankfully, have most of it stored in my iPod as backup. Last but not least, therein lies my a few odd years of photos. All 15,000 of them. Gone forever.

When I told about this incident to some of people, not all could fully grasp why the fuck I'm telling it to them in the first place. Most would just go, 'Oh, yeah?' or some missing the point with, 'Ada warranty tak?'. What's the use of Western Digital sending me a pristine, clean hard disk when the things that matter are no more to be found?

I guess moral support & sympathy are not that easy to find. As a result, I'm telling myself to say, 'Oh, fuck it' and laugh it off as if it's not much of a big deal. Hahaha.

Maybe God wants to punish me for not being honest, for shooting things without giving it my fullest attention, for taking photos not for the sake of it but instead to impress people, to show it off, to get praise and recognition. Of course, I've never gotten those sorta things but I sure do hope for it once in a while. Okay, always.

Perhaps I should just understand it when no one said a thing about any of the things I shoot. No matter how hard I try, no matter how far and wide I spread them. I thought it was the small size that people couldn't really see it so I changed the whole template so it could be bigger. Still, no words came and I get more and more restless. Maybe I'm too good for them I said. Maybe they're silent because they can't understand I said.

So yeah, I'm sorry. This is my lesson.

I suck. I get it now. It's not worthy enough to exist in this world so it was erased to make way for other things more worthwhile. No one should spend time and thought on such simple things.

It hurts bad inside, though I try not to show it much. Your mind kept on going down the negativity even when you try to look on the bright side. I do try taking my camera out to town meeting fellow shooters, buying new films I only dreamt of using before, to get things going you know? Start anew. Still, there is some sort of a sick feeling in me to even just carry a camera around. You know, like, giving up? Yeah.

I should learn to take photos that really mean something for me. I should really learn to perfect my craft instead of letting it prance on some stage like a retarded pony, being laughed at and humiliated. What is it that makes me think the phrase 'practice makes perfect' doesn't apply to me?

I want to give up, but giving up is such a hard thing to do.

About this entry