On Hadi and Kedah

Why is it the more we grow up, the more less fun Raya becomes? I blame the less duit Raya I get. How about you?

I didn't go back Raya at my Kampung this year due to unforeseen reasons. For the record, I want to be honest for once. I really love going back to Kedah. Really really. Why? I love the people. Mak Nab, Kak Bedah, Arwah Mak Yah, Tok Su 'Ei, Pak Mat Israil.. just about everyone, have a special thing that makes me feel welcomed and warm not to mention they all know my name. Hadi. In some other places, I am anak Fairuzah, sepupu Mujahid, dua pupu Afif, cucu Kak Yah, Anak Zu, Cucu Kak Wea Nah.. you get what I mean. In Kedah, I'm Hadi. What more could someone ask?

I guess I pretty much owe that to my Tok Wan, arwah Tok Wan. This year is the 10th year since he passed away.. Oh how time flies and I wasn't even having fun. Everyone always says that I'm his favourite grandson, grandchild even. Strange if you think about it, considering that I was neither his first cucu nor his first male cucu whom the titles are held by Kakak Hanan/Kakak Aini (I couldn't decide) and Mujahid respectively. I was the one after. So why am I so special then? I don't know.. I used to accept all that without ever giving it a thought, but then again.. I was young and naive. Now that I'm older and some people say, wiser.. I kind of think that it's probably because I was there with him more than everyone else.

I was born in Alor Setar (Alor Merah to be precise) and up till I was probably 5 or 6 I live in Tok Wan's house in Langgar. I have a vague memory of what happen back then but there are a few things I remember well from my own memory, not from stories. It's not that I don't believe in other people, it's just that the memories I remember on my own is somewhat more special than the ones people told me about.. don't you agree? I guess that's why I have a very strong feeling for that house. I even told Mak, I was born there, I want to get married there and I want to die there. Nevertheless, then we moved to Kelana Jaya and I've been living my life in the Klang Valley ever since.

Nevertheless, I remember back when I was in primary school's end of year holiday. I would almost always go back to Kedah very early during the holidays and would stay there until the break is over. I would already be there well before the rest of the family thanks to Tok Wan who would sponsor my flight ticket. Young Passenger Traveling Alone. Me. I know you must be wondering why on earth would I do that? Well, first is because I don't have friends outside of school in Kelana Jaya. This was of course, back then before there was no such thing as the Internet and I was too young to roam KL so what better thing to do? At least I get to naik kapal terbang. Woohoo! Nevertheless, though I might not really realize it yet back then, I went back to the house and especially to the people. The people who calls me Hadi.

It's not that I don't like people calling me Amir or even, Amirhadi. It is still my name but there's I have a soft spot for Hadi. I like people calling me Hadi since to me as if know me very well even if they don't. I still do introduce myself as Amir though, but to people I don't really want to know.. the Streamyx technician guy, my landlords, some of the lecturers I don't like. You get what I mean right? If my memory serves me well, I think it must have something to do with growing up. When I was a kid, no one calls me Amir. No one. It started when I was in primary school when people started calling me Amir and my primary school years are not a very pleasant chapter in my life.. I hate it. I guess it grew on me. The people who calls me Hadi are from a good chapter of my life, those who call me Amir are from the bad.

I kind of regret that I haven't been spending a lot of time with Tok Wan back when he was still alive. Yes, I go back to Kedah often. My percentage being there far outweighs those of my other siblings and cousins.. but I didn't really spent a lot of it with him. I usually lepak at rumah Mak Nab the whole day watching TV and reading comics, only to come back for meals. Meals.. that's where people say my Tok Wan showed his love to me most. I really love udang.. big big udang the size of my wrist and he that udang is what he would buy for me everytime I go back. But then again, after the meals I would always be missing again. Tisk.. I wish I spent more time with him, I wish I wasn't so damn lazy and would teman him to his madrasah everynight. I wish that I did azan that one time he asked me to.. He never heard me azan in his madrasah ever in his life. I'm sorry.. I wished we had more time together.

I believe that is among the reasons I love to go back to Kedah out of all my kampungs. Kedah is really my kampung, not my mom's kampung nor my dad's kampung. If you ask me I would always say that I am orang Kedah and you will keep hearing that same answer. It's my kampung where my grandfather's house is. It's the house where I grew up in. It's the people who knew my by name. What more could I ask for? Nevertheless, since Tok Wan went away we hardly ever go back there again. Still, it's never far from my heart as what I told Mak. I was born there, I want to get married there and I want to die there.

Sorry for being so melancholic. Thanks for listening.