That space between

Arif, somewhere between being a present boy and an old boy. A Budak Koleq nonetheless.

Sebenarnya susah jadi abang bila adik kau ada dekat sama dekat Koleq, I guess it's also the same the other way around.

About this time, 5 years ago, I often asks my friends; Macam mana kalau kau tengah jalan-jalan, kau pengsan. Kau sedar-sedar kau atas katil. Kau dengar suara mak kau kejut kau: Abang, bangun abang, hari ni kan kita nak pergi daftar MCKK..

Do you consider that a blessing or a curse? Would you want to go through it all over again, from day one?

Life is indeed a wheel, you're on top for a while only to go back down, climbing up again. I used to have this huge ego in me that I'm a Budak Koleq, dunia ni patut tunduk dekat aku. Many people probably hate me back then. Aku sekarang pun tak suka baca benda-benda yang aku tulis dulu.

Anyway though, university is a humbling experience to me.

Carrying that name, Malay College, is more than just pride. More often than not it is a responsibility. Of course, in my case only a handful know what MCKK is but you know that they'll have their eyes set on you. You screw up, the school screw up. There's that expectation thing that you have to somehow satisfy.

Yeah, why all the fuss kan? It's just a school kan? Nah, not really. It's an identity. Most of the time people don't really care about the whole MCKK thing. Sometimes people forget, but I don't. That's something I've lived with all these years, my self conscience. It gets in the way of things sometimes but there are also instances where it helps.

Like, when I'm feeling afraid or insecure, I'll wear my quadcolours.

Tah pape kan? It's hard to explain and I'm being stupid if I want to make people understand it. Maybe it has something to do with cheering, you know, the feeling being inside that circle in the middle of the field, arms raised high, the fluttering of the flags and that thunderous voice singing in unison: We are proud to be Collegians, how can we ever make you see? That probably affected us more than it did our opponents.

So yeah, Arif. I'm surprised that you favour Biology on Monday morning instead of Manchester United on Saturday night. I used to go to BL, playing Grand Theft Auto on exam nights, or Ipoh to catch a movie. Congratulations, jangan jadi macam abang kau.

Now, what if tiba-tiba kau tengah jalan-jalan, kau pengsan. Kau sedar-sedar kau atas katil. Kau dengar suara mak kejut kau: Arif, bangkit.. hari ni kan kita nak pergi daftar MC..?

Enjoy your last week. How you define enjoy is entirely up to you. Budak Koleq don't like to be told kan?

September 2009.
Yut Loy.
Minolta X700 + Minolta MD 50/1.7 + Expired Fuji NPS 160 + egg on toast and Kickapoo.