3 AM

It's 3 o'clock and I'm alone in my office overlooking the NSTP building, working on this puppet show a la Barney and Friends or if you prefer, Sesame Street for RTM's TV2.

Yeah, I know, RTM. Tak cool kan? Tah pape, tak move on segala.

Well, that's what I've been telling myself when I first signed up for this job, about 4 weeks back. I was swimming in my ego and resting on my laurels, thinking that this is nothing since I've edited videos that were aired on the relatively more posh TV3 and Astro Ria about 2 years back when I was barely 19.

Terer la sangat kan? Poyo tak habis-habis.

Still, there are kids out there that relies on this lame channels we often mock for their entertainment and education. Who the hell am I to deny them that right? I could just do a simple sloppy one and chances are it'll be on air soon but what do I gain from that? Money that'll end up in the cash registers of the many mamaks? Have my name at the last 2 minutes and announce to the whole world that it sucked because it is for RTM?

Nah, no way.

Things don't suck just because they are on RTM. People suck for doing sucky things and accepting things that are just meh.

What if I do a good job, do my very best and make this thing enjoyable so that these kids that rely on this channel will watch it, have a good time, learn something and who knows, picks up the lessons that the show is teaching and grow up to be a good, educated human being?

Now, that is the sort of things I don't mind putting my name on.

So what the hell am I doing here at this time? I'm doing this for the kids.

Have fun kiddos.

Satu

Joget zapin dan inang, kita akan berdendang.

Satu.
S.M. Salim & Zainal Abidin.

Kotamu

Kata kau: ‘Aku akan merantau ke pantai lain, bumi lain;
kota yang indah akan ku temui,
tiap langkahku di sini mengutuk nasib
dan hatiku seperti mayat telah terkuburkan.
Berapa lama lagi mesti jiwaku bertanggak di sini,
bumi tandus tempat tumpah semua impian,
daerah runtuh keutuhan suatu kehidupan.’

Kau tak akan menemui pantai lain, bumi lain.
Seperti bayang kau kota ini akan mengikut langkah kau:
di lorong yang sama kau akan berulang-alik,
di simpang yang sama diri kau akan kau sua,
di rantau yang sama rambut kau akan beruban.
Kau akan sentiasa tiba di kota ini- dimana-mana.
Tiada kapal menunggu kau, semua jalan tertutup.
Kehidupan yang telah kau sia-siakan di sudut ini
telah kau sia-siakan di serata dunia ini.

Constantine P Cavafy, as translated by Salleh Ben Joned.

Christmas Eve.
Jalan Riong.
Nikon D40 kit + Adobe Lightroom + learning to love.

Graduation!

I enrolled into Limkokwing University in February 2006. SPM ended just two months earlier and my friends were still enjoying their break going to trips and all that. Boy, was I eager or what?

Back in high school I was already thinking of what I want to do after finishing the exams. That was the time when I was busy with the College Magazine more than studying and tinkering with Photoshop and InDesign sorta made me want to go into publishing, or graphics design, or design, or something like that. I don't even understood the difference between graphic design and multimedia design at that time, but I want to do something design-ish nonetheless.

I was young back then. Young and foolish. I thought that my designs were top-notch already. Oh little did I know...

So anyway, it was Abah who suggested that I venture into Broadcasting. It was on one hot afternoon in Kubang Kerian which I somehow remember for whatever reason. I never really thought about broadcasting to be honest, and I wasn't too keen on working with things that moves. The seduction of the still life is more alluring then. I didn't know much about it anyways but somehow I later on thought that the idea was quite interesting. Maybe because Mak bought me that magazine on what is Mass Communications.

And so there I was, under the hot Cyberjaya sun registering and going to orientations where I made new friends like Dzul and his red Kancil with Radiohead's Creep on loop. I wasn't even sure where Cyberjaya is back then and figuring how to get from the to PJ took me quite a while. I've only heard about Puchong before and before I knew it, I was a citizen there. I spent 5 years living with Malay boys and suddenly I have a Maldivian, a Pakistani, a Batswana and a Malaccan as my housemate. Then of course came the girls. Never mind my exotic housemates, it's the girls that I find the hardest to adapt to.

Like, uh huh.

I took the bus to class back then. The yellow school bus. Yeah. I've never took a yellow school bus to school before. Mak loves me too much. Hehe. It was a very strange time for me, very strange. Hanging out with people older than me who respects me and treat me as equals, accepting the fact that there are more things in life that I knew nothing of, like the difference between a piston engine and a rotary engine, why Satrias are much more awesome than Myvis. Much much more awesome.

Sumpah.

In class I learnt new and interesting things about stuffs that I actually want to know about, like marketing, why the prices are always RM1.99, design and advertising, how to communicate with people better, what is platonic love and whether it is possible between opposite sexes, watching sexually explicit uncut movies with my classmates and our lecturer and discussing about it afterwards, academically. All in all, life is good.

Yeah, of course there were those hiccups along the way, those fights between friends, that depressing Ramadan all alone, that scary time when I was afraid to be in my own house, being broke, being deep in debt, being broke and deep in debt, being alone, depressed during Ramadan, broke and deep in debt. But all in all, they taught me a lot of things about growing up.

Throughout my 4 years, I've lived in three places I've never imagined I would. I was ignorant about Puchong, I was critical about Cyberjaya, I was cynical about Sri Kembangan. Forgive me because I was still deeply in love with Kuala Kangsar. Yet as time moves on, I accepted these places for what they are and learnt to appreciate their ups and downs.

It's a big cliché but I'll miss all these people I've met along the way. Many passed me by but those few that I got stuck together with, these people are special. I don't want to name any, you all know who you are. You guys saw me amidst the maddening crowd, this simple kid in an oversized body, dreaming of crazy things and ever failing to achieve any, and decided to know him more. Thank you very much.

If there is one thing my university is good at is marketing. Yes, I despise it as many others do but in certain ways, it encouraged me to be better. There's a high mark up there and I have to reach it. I've always have this love affair with everything I'm involved with. Limkokwing can't possibly be an exception even if it pay me not to.

What's next for me? Work for certain. There is that ever growing sense of guilt inside about living on someone else's toil, eventhough he's my father and there's that swelling bag of things I know that I could either use or lose.

So yeah, thank you to Mak and Abah for the education you've provided me all they way since 1994, MARA for funding my education, lecturers for sharing their knowledge, friends who stood alongside for  the ride and everyone else and all their friends and family. We are all a part of this one way or another.

This is starting to sound like a bad Academy Awards speech so I'll end it here.

This is me

Thank you Faiz Foat. I'll add this to my small collection of photos of myself.

Id

Sometimes when my friends are telling me bad things about others, I feel that they are actually trying to tell me about myself, those small things that I did not notice but is obvious enough to other people.

All those things we were talking about? I sure hope it was not about me.

Masjid Negara Saya

A mosque is still a mosque even it the dome is not quite a dome.

Early December 2009.
Masjid Negara.
Olympus OM10 + OM Zuiko 50/1.4 + Lucky SHD 100 + beauty in symmetry.

We shoot OM

Early December 2009.
Central Market.
Olympus OM10 + OM Zuiko 50/1.4 + Lucky SHD 100 + Nurfaiz Foat.

Number 14

There's a reason for everything. I'm tired of keeping this secret.

October 2009.
Equine Park.
Olympus OM10 + OM Zuiko 50/1.4 + Fuji Superia 200 + that fine line between a dream and slipping into a nightmare.

Beliefs

God, gods, idols, traditions, ancestors, the straight path to enlightenment, a friend you can trust, left and right, good and bad, celebrity gossips and political nonsense.

So what do you believe in today?

October 2009.
Jalan Tun Perak and Jalan Silang.
Olympus OM10 + OM Zuiko 50/1.4 + Fuji Superia 200 + I believe in myself, sometimes.

Embrace

A lovestruck Romeo sings a streets a serenade
Laying everybody low with a lovesong that he made
Finds a streetlight steps out of the shade
Says something like you and me babe how about it?

October 2009.
Jalan Desa Permai.
Olympus OM10 + OM Zuiko 50/1.4 + Fuji Superia 200 + uncoated surprises.

You got a lot of nerve..

Positively 4th Street
Bob Dylan
Single, somewhere between Highway 61 Revisited and Blonde on Blonde
1965